no one can hurt you now
by Jess the Enthusiast
Summary: James Potter never thought he'd be 23 years old and still in hiding. ("If They Lived" AU)


**A/N:** This was written for jilytober on tumblr! Trigger warning for minor character deaths. Also, Voldemort is a major douche muffin.

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James never thought he'd be 23 years old and still in hiding.

All of this was supposed to be temporary. Lily got pregnant and they moved into his dead father's dead cousin's summer cottage in Godric's Hollow (dead dead dead dead dead - it felt like everything and everyone that year was dead). They were 19 then and just on the brink of 20. And they were so scared. So fucking scared.

But they turned 20 and they were safe. Lily's belly grew round and big - almost impossibly so - and they were safe. Their baby - their sweet, wonderful Harry - was born before he was scheduled to be ( _"as the seventh month dies"_ still echoes horribly in James' mind) and they were safe. They turned 21 and they were safe. Harry celebrated his 1st birthday and none of their friends could make it but Bathilda was there and Lily was laughing and they were safe.

And then there was a moment - a horrible, awful moment - where it didn't seem like they were going to be safe. And so arrangements were made, charms were cast, and Sirius became their Secret Keeper.

They were safe and they were trapped as the world fell a part around them.

Peter disappeared. One day he was there and the next he wasn't and even though Peter hadn't been around the cottage in weeks, James felt his absence like a loss of a limb.

The Order found his body in late December and he was sent home to his mother for Christmas in a box. Lily held James as they both cried on their living room floor and Harry abandoned his new plush lion to put a chubby fist to James' wet cheek. After drying so many of his tears, it seemed that Harry was returning the favor.

That January, Lily turned 22. James wished he could have gone out himself to buy her present - something he probably would have dreaded under normal circumstances - but it wasn't safe. Nothing was safe outside the confinements of their home anymore. Less members of the Order were disappearing now, but they weren't exactly winning either.

A delighted flush spread all over Lily when she opened the rose gold necklace James had sent Sirius out to buy. It was the only thing she was wearing when he licked and kissed her from head to toe later that night.

Remus spent his birthday on a mission for Dumbledore but Lily made tea and put biscuits out in his honor while James tried to teach Harry how to say Moony. It went about as well as it could, given Harry's age, and "Moomy" was close enough anyway. But the sound of it made James laugh and laugh and he knew that if Remus were here, he would have laughed and laughed too. But he wasn't. So James added it to the long list of things he wanted to tell his friend upon his return.

Sirius came over for James' birthday later that month. He was 22. Sirius gave him crossword puzzles and Quidditch magazines about the American League and a new broomstick for the grand finale. For when all this shit is over, Sirius had said. James hugged his brother and Sirius understood when he cried.

When it was Lily's turn, she gave a preamble that included a dramatic reading of his horoscope _("The Hot-Blooded Aries…")_ and gave him the most brilliant smile when the stars declared the two of them - an Aries and an Aquarius - an ideal match. He hadn't always put much into the stars, but in this case they were right.

She couldn't contain her excitement when she gave him his actual gift (signed as from both her and Harry): an Advanced Transfiguration book he'd once eyed in the Flourish and Blotts catalog Sirius had subscribed them to and a bag full of Zonko's products he didn't even know existed. She also gave him _another_ gift from just her but that was much much later.

They didn't see Remus for a long time. Peter's birthday solemnly passed, the season changed, the moon renewed over and over again, and finally it was Harry's 2nd birthday. He walked in the cottage that day more worn and tattered than usual and with a misshapen box under his arm, the wrapping paper, however, brightly colored and neat. Remus smiled and asked if he was late. Sirius punched him. Lily cried, and James cried too. After a prompting, Harry called him "Moomy," just like James had taught him. And James was right, Remus laughed and laughed.

Their little boy was bigger now and James was glad that he and Lily had the energy for him. It made it easier to be locked away, to be so useless in the fight that raged outside their door. The Longbottoms were found dead recently - even their little boy. James felt sick as Lily cried and cried and they held their son a little tighter. Harry was sweet, Harry was the best of both of them, Harry was their world. James couldn't imagine an existence where Harry wasn't in it, where he wasn't Harry's dad. And he couldn't imagine why someone would be so cruel as to want to take that away from him. Like it was taken from the Longbottoms.

At least they're all together, Remus had said when he'd tearfully given them the news. Remus had gone to the funeral, had seen the impossibly small coffin lowered into the ground. Remus had to leave to throw up. And James couldn't blame him.

He had a lot of nightmares. And he thought a lot about Peter. He wondered if, in his last moments, Peter had suffered. And then he decided that he didn't want to know. That he was better off not knowing.

Lily always found him whenever he needed her to. When his heart would start to pound, to race, in panic, in fear, her hand would rest on his chest just in time to soothe him. When he felt that he lungs had stopped working, that his rib cage had collapsed, that there was no more air left in their small prison cell, she breathed into his lips before he could suffocate. He didn't have to tell her, she just always knew.

He told her everyday that he loved her because everyday it was true. And every time she would smile and laugh like it was the first time and every time she would grace him with an _"and I love you."_ And for a moment everything in the world felt right and beautiful.

He liked that she challenged him, that she was clever and stubborn and cheeky and loving and the biggest idealist he'd ever met. He liked the way she drooled in her sleep and snorted when she laughed and burnt almost everything she tried to cook. He even liked they way she got cranky and mean when she was tired. And the way she would narrow those green eyes and glare at him when he made her cross. He liked and he loved everything about her and she liked and loved everything about him - even the parts of him that he couldn't bring himself to love. The stars had been too kind to him in that respect. And he was grateful.

Their anniversary was a quiet affair, which wasn't what he would have hoped or planned for but it was going to have to do. Sirius made them dinner and it was disgusting. Remus made them dessert and it wasn't disgusting. And Peter…sometimes James forgot that he was really gone.

Remus had to leave shortly after for a meeting with Dumbledore and Sirius stayed to play with Harry and the cat until the former became sleepy enough to give his parents some peace for a night. And then with one last wink, Sirius was gone and James was able to whisk Lily away to their bedroom like he'd been positively dying to do all day.

And then it was Halloween. Getting close to a year without Peter. Lily decorated their house like her mother used to and drew whiskers on Harry's little face. James helped her make pumpkin pie and they ended up fucking on the kitchen table while Harry was taking his nap. He felt happy.

Dumbledore showed up at their door later that night. He'd found a way to kill Voldemort, to kill him for good, but it would take time and a lot of searching. And he was sending Sirius to go do it.

That night in his living room, James felt as if he'd just heard his best friend's death sentence.

Lily climbed on top of him late that night and she lied to him. She told him that everything was going to be alright and it was the exact lie that he needed to hear.

Sirius left before they could celebrate his 23rd birthday and James felt absolutely horrible and sad and he tried to hide it but. This was _Sirius_. And James didn't feel like a complete person without him.

Lily helped Harry draw a picture for him that day and he smiled so much and he ooo'd and ahhh'd in a way that made Harry squeal in absolute delight. James laughed and marveled over how this was a person that he and Lily made. And how he was absolutely perfect. And James was able to forget for a moment that he was sad.

But that night brought with it memory and dread and he held Lily tightly because she loved Sirius too. And she was so good at being strong for him. They cried. And they slept. And thankfully neither of them dreamed.

They had Remus over for Christmas and Bathilda from next door. It was hard to be in the holiday spirit, but they needed to do it for Sirius, who had always loved this time of year. And for Peter, who it wasn't getting easier to miss. Lily took some really lovely pictures of Remus helping Harry open his presents and Bathilda told so many fascinating stories about her childhood and about Dumbledore. Lily still wasn't sure if any of them were true but they liked to listen anyway. They'd always liked a good story.

James danced with Lily that night and he danced with Harry and he danced with old Bathilda and he even danced with Remus who always liked to insist on having two left feet. December wasn't a good month for Remus that year on account of there being two full moons, but he fought through the fatigue and put on a good face and James reckoned that he'd never met anyone braver.

And then, before he knew it, Lily was turning 23. Remus was on another mission for Dumbledore and the statuses of their other friends remained dead or unreachable, and then there was that almost no one else knew where they were - except for Bathilda, but (and James' chest tightened at just the thought of it) they'd discovered the Dark Mark over her house the day after Christmas.

So it was just the three of them - and Lily insisted that that was more than alright. Harry had been speaking in simple sentences for a while now and James got him to wish his Mummy a happy birthday, which absolutely delighted her. And so James asked Harry to repeat it every so often because he liked seeing Lily smile like that.

(He knew that she still sent letters to her sister and he knew that she still didn't get any reply - he wanted to make her laugh and smile at any chance he got).

Remus was around for his birthday this time and they made a big cake for him with too much frosting and too many candles. He blushed when they sang to him and was extremely touched when Harry wanted to sit on his lap while they ate. They talked a little about Sirius, about how he should be coming home at any time now, thinking that if they said it with enough certainty, maybe they'd actually believe it. Afterwards, during the heavy silence, James wondered when exactly they all became liars.

Remus left past Harry's bedtime and before he went out the door, he hugged them all tighter than he had ever before. Because Hestia Jones was missing and they were all thinking about it. They had no idea who could be next.

James told Lily that night that he wanted another baby. He hadn't really been thinking much about it, but it felt right when he said it. She smiled at him, shimmied out of her nightclothes, and said okay.

And now, seventeen days later, James is 23. And so much is different from the year before and the year before that and the one before that. But, also, not much is different. There's still a war, they're still losing people they love - whether to death or to distance, and they're still in hiding.

But most importantly, they're still _safe_.

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 **A/N:** Thanks for reading! Please leave a review and let me know what you think!

~Jess


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